IF.

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much."
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch.
That's why she shies away from human affection."

But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bag for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him,
She's sayin'

"I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be,

If you'll be my baby,
I've got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?"

Athazagoraphobia.

I know that this may sound stupid, but when you find a soul that matches yours, all the feelings are overwhelming. You're surrounded by thousands of feelings you may have lacked before, and you have so much to say that you don't know exactly where to start from. So you overly attach, and have the impression that you know that person for a lifetime, and everything's perfect, and your heart rate goes crazy...it's just like falling in love for the first time. But in a different way. It's weird you know, I can't even explain it, but whoever's been through this knows exactly what I'm talkin' 'bout. The rush, the feelings, premature happiness, sweet dizziness, euphoria, and everything similar to it...It's like, you finally feel alive.
The sad part is, the more you get attached, the fear of losing them rises. And you get crazy and paranoid whenever you think something's wrong, practically making them wanna leave you.
So, my friend, if you fear losing the one you love, start by not letting them forget that you don't want to lose them. 'Cause shouts and paranoia never tackled any problem. Athazagoraphobia, my friend. Fucking athazagoraphobia.

Refresh, Restart, Reboot.

I'm tired of not seeing any Sunshine sometimes, I'm tired of blurry images caused by this heavy rain. I'm tired of trying to fake a smile on the street just to cry myself to sleep whenever my bridges collapse...I'm just tired. Aren't you tired of this fucking pain sometimes? Aren't you tired of teary eyes and salty lips? I need Sunshine. I need warmth. I need the main reason why I'm happy not to be as well the main reason why I'm sad. I need...Fuck that. I'm just tired.

TCTWNE.

Wolves attack when they are hurt. Foxes growl when they are hurt. Dogs bite when they are hurt. Even people hurt when they are hurt. Some hurt to pay back. Some hurt to save themselves. And some...just for their own entertainment. But why do we tend to hurt each other so much and so often? And it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep up appearances, behind the smokescreen we get so lonely and so cold that we can't even think straight. But we wouldn't show that. We wouldn't friggin' show it. 'Cause we'd consider ourselves weak if we did. So we hurt. We hurt the ones we love, we hurt the ones we hate, and what's most important...we involuntarily hurt ourselves. And that sucks. 'Cause you may feel nothing for a while, but one day you wake up with a fucked up feeling and you wonder why. Then the reason seems to slowly take shape, as the smile on your face turns into a flood of tears. But you won't show that. You won't show. And you keep hurting. We as humans are such hypocrites, we expect everything and give nothing in return, but we start complaining if we don't get it. And we shamelessly hurt but want to be treated with love and respect. How could this be? When did we become so selfish and careless? We say that we want to change the world, but in fact the world changes us; and we totally refuse to admit that. We still think we're unaffected. We still think that nothing can touch us. We still think we're know-it-alls.

This is the circle that will never end. The sinister rehearsal of our own fears. The pejorative reflection of our inner self, transposed into a thousand pieces. So mind your language in front of the ones who love you, 'cause if you get to hurt them several times, one day you might not get to hurt them at all. And you'll get back to loneliness and the circle will take its course again. The circle that will never end.

Transvers.

Teancul de pe birou pare sa devina din ce in ce mai mic, iar secundele mai au putin si strapung sticla fina a ceasului datorita pulsului meu nebunesc de rapid. Sunt deja pe drum. Nu imi amintesc cum, pentru ca nu am loc pentru altceva in minte decat pentru tine. Traficul infernal ma face sa imi fi dorit sa nu fi fost in costum acum, cu camasa incheiata pana la gat. Fierb. Caldura din stomac creste pe masura ce kilometrii scad. Stiu ca o sa ma astepti acasa, si o sa imi deschizi usa in lenjeria aceea noua semi-transparenta in care de-abia asteptam sa te vad, si ca luminile o sa fie difuze. Stai linistita, am luat vinul pentru ca stiu ca altfel nu se poate, si daca o sa ma intrebi ce sarbatorim o sa iti raspund "fiecare zi in care ma trezesc langa tine". E ciudat cum imi doresc nebuneste sa te sarut, iar tu sa imi musti buzele usor cum faci de obicei, schitand mai apoi zambetul ala subtil pe care il ador. Incerc sa nu ma mai gandesc la asta, pentru ca vreau sa ajung intreg acasa, dar este inevitabil, pentru ca m-ai acaparat cu totul, si eu pe tine. Stiu ca in timp ce eu injur in gand soferii nerespectuosi tu iti pudrezi cu grija fata, ca sa fii cea mai frumoasa pentru mine, si doar pentru mine, desi ti-am mai spus de nenumarate ori cat de frumoasa esti si fara pic de machiaj. Un lucru avem in comun acum, nerabdarea. Eu ma chinui sa imi fac loc printre masini in timp ce tu probabil verifici ceasul din minut in minut, tanjind dupa imbratisarea mea. Da, sunt barbat si nu mi-e rusine sa admit ca am o inima si ca profit de ea din plin. Cum nu mi-e rusine sa admit faptul ca noptile interminabile in care te strang la piept si diminetile in care ma trezesc inaintea ta doar ca sa te privesc cum dormi sunt cel mai frumos lucru care mi s-a putut intampla vreodata. TU, esti cel mai frumos lucru care mi s-a intamplat vreodata. Si as spune-o oricui oricand, fara sa imi pese catusi de putin de consecinte. Stiu ca sunt o raritate, probabil de asta ma iubesti atat de mult, probabil de asta fericirea noastra este intacta si inimaginabil de constanta, probabil de asta...ce am scris mai sus e doar o perspectiva. Dar daca as fi cu adevarat barbatul pe care l-am descris anterior, si as gasi o femeie ca mine, randurile de mai sus mi-ar reprezenta Biblia. Si n-as incalca nici macar un paragraf.

Asdfghjkl.

Am o nevoie dementa sa scriu in seara asta. Nu stiu ce, nu stiu despre ce sau in legatura cu ce pentru ca mi se-nvart rotitele-n cap la viteza maxima. Dar trebuie sa scriu, scrisul ma elibereaza indiferent de continut, ca oricum nu stiu cine citeste asta si nu imi pasa cine. Dar stiu ca asta e alter ego-ul meu si ca atare imi striga sa scriu. Scriu. Aberatii, tampenii, nu imi pasa ce, atata timp cat la final mi se relaxeaza muschii si mintea. Ih. Asdfghjkl. Gata. Acum ma simt mai bine. Don't try to understand it, you won't. As long as you don't feel the same.

XO.

Take care.

I've listened carefully to every word of yours, I've looked into your eyes, I've watched your every move, and I can tell...I can tell that you were hurt as well, just as many times as I was. That you gave all of you to people who gave nothing back, and that you were left behind just when you least expected. And I know how you feel like a wreck, like nothing could matter anymore.
No matter how many times we laughed, I could still notice that sweet sadness in your eyes, and it made me wonder. I sometimes get scared of how much we're alike. I nearly wonder if any of this is real. Just like I wondered if there was any chance of seeing you again. I don't know many things about you, all of your scars, all of your happy times, but I would love to. 'Cause I could tell there were a lot. That unique way can't come from nowhere. I would love to know the real you, and I know I would love all of your sides. 'Cause you got me really impressed, and not many people could do that in my life. I don't know why I'm doing this. I just have a warm feeling inside since that day, and your face just doesn't want to vanish from my mind. It's crazy how can this happen...I guess it's fate, or who knows. I don't know where we're going. I don't know where and if it ends. Or in what way. However it might be, I'll ever be grateful for meeting you that day. I had a special feeling that day. And special people can't be forgotten so easily.

XO

Fuck "over".

Orice început are şi sfârşit. Şi orice sfârşit e un nou început. Wow, you don't say. Urăsc când totul se termină, e ca şi cum te chinui să faci un castel de nisip, şi te chinui, şi te tot chinui, uneori singur, alteori ajutat de persoanele pe care le iubeşti, şi fix când e totul perfect vine un val de ăla şi-ţi strică tot. Şi rămâi aşa, ca fraieru', şi te uiţi în gol, parcă refuzând să crezi că aşa ceva s-a întâmplat. Şi vorbesc de despărţiri pentru că, de ceva vreme încoace vin în serie. Feţe pe care le văd, caractere de care mă îndrăgostesc, prieteni pe care trebuie să îi las în urmă, şi tot felul de lucruri asemănătoare. Şi uite-aşa se duc nopţi şi mă trezesc că e ceasu' 4 iar şi eu nu dorm, şi uite-aşa se duce şi ultima ţigară din al nu-ştiu-câtelea pachet şi eu nu îmi dau seama, şi uite-aşa se duce şi ultimul strop din sticla pe care am jurat că n-o s-o deschid. Dar e inevitabil. So...let it pour. Cheers.

Erase me.

De ce e asa de greu pentru umanitatea asta sa dea dovada de putina empatie? Toti sunt niste egoisti superficiali care cer, cer si iar cer, iar cand vine vorba de dat se dau ei...la fund. Nu mai poti lega nimic in ziua de azi, nimic pe bune ma refer, ca de fatada sunt multe relatii. Dar mie nu imi place si nu mi-a placut niciodata sa simulez iubirea, si nu pot sa inteleg persoanele care o fac. Nimeni nu mai e multumit. Daca faci ca ei de 1000 de ori si o data, o singura data vrei sa faci si ca tine gata le sare tandara, uita de alea 1000 de ori si iti scot pe nas data aia cand voiai si tu saracu', sa fii putin autonom, sa-ti exprimi si tu idioata aia de parere, ca doar ai dreptul la ea. Cel putin teoretic ai. Toti se plang, toti au voie sa se planga, si iti reproseaza tie ca nu ai nimic. Daca stau dreapta in fata ta si nu spun nimic rau, nu inseamna ca in sufletul meu nu e nicio furtuna, nu inseamna ca atunci cand pun capul pe perna in zorii zilei nu plang pana adorm sau ca nu am momente cand pur si simplu as lua orice tren din gara sa scap de nebunia asta din oras. Nu-mi confunda tacerea cu naivitatea, si nici zambetul cu fericirea. Doar pentru ca nu vorbesc despre ce mi se intampla mie rau nu inseamna ca nu mi se intampla. Pentru astia care nu ma inghit da, e ceva maxim de tare sa stiu ca ei cred ca eu nu am nimic niciodata, dar sa ajungi sa te prefaci si in fata prietenilor buni, pentru ca daca te intreaba ce ai si le povestesti o intamplare iti spun ca te plangi? Pana mea, nu stiu unde o sa ajungem cu totii cu egoismul asta.
Vreau si eu pe cineva care sa ma inteleaga frate, oricat de complicata as fi. Sa ma asculte si nu sa aiba pretentia sa il/o ascult numai eu, si atunci cand ma asculta sa ma asculte si 5 minute si o zi intreaga daca e nevoie, fara sa strambe din nas sau sa imi scoata ochii ca "ma plang", ca nu ma plang si nu m-am plans vreodata, cel putin nu in maniera aia miloaga pe care o urasc. Vreau pe cineva care sa fie capace sa ofere cat ofer si eu, macar jumate din cate as putea eu sa ofer, pentru ca am multe de oferit in spatele ecranului asta de robot fara sentimente asa cum ma afisez de obicei. Si vreau ca persoana asta sa nu profite de bunatatea mea, asa cum au facut toti cand au observat cate am de oferit. Nu cred ca cer prea mult. Sau cer? Haha, acum par si eu o egoista superficiala care cere, dar nu e asa, pentru ca eu ofer dublu fata de cat primesc, asta e diferenta. Si uneori, sa faci diferenta e bine. In viziunea cui ii pasa. Mai degraba as ajunge sa ma blazez decat sa ma distrug.

Yellow diamonds in the light...

"It's like you're screaming, and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important - that without them, you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless; like nothing can save you. And when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back - so that you could have the good."

Cosmic, astral, mitologic, stelar.

I already got used to this silly state of mind. Maybe "silly" is not the right word, but who gives a fuck anyway. I've been trippin' all day. Lately, that became some kind of routine, you know like, when someone asks you how was your day and you answer "Oh, you know, got outta bed, ate my cereals, tripped all day long." Just routine, like everybody's doin' it. Like everybody's forgotten the times when they were completely happy, without any mixed feelings or second thoughts...just happy.
But my fractal heart and my cruel mind almost got into a fight again. So I'm mentally leaving Earth. I start with Mercury to grab some warmth, I swing on Saturn's rings, I kiss Neptun's vivid lips, and end up on Pluto to regain my coolness 'cause, when I'm done travelling, they don't have to know I had a bit of warmth, 'cause I don't want them to try stepping over me. They'll do nothing but get hurt, and I don't wanna do this anymore, hurting them just to save myself. But I miss the arms of the Universe. I miss the way I lose myself among its psychedelic threads, on my pursuit of happiness. But it's a part of me, like an oversized puzzle whose pieces try to find their way but they don't, so they try it like thousand times with thousand combinations and not surprisingly, they get no result. Yet. And that's why I keep my head high. Up to the Sky. Up to the Universe. Up to the happiness.