Athazagoraphobia.

I know that this may sound stupid, but when you find a soul that matches yours, all the feelings are overwhelming. You're surrounded by thousands of feelings you may have lacked before, and you have so much to say that you don't know exactly where to start from. So you overly attach, and have the impression that you know that person for a lifetime, and everything's perfect, and your heart rate goes crazy...it's just like falling in love for the first time. But in a different way. It's weird you know, I can't even explain it, but whoever's been through this knows exactly what I'm talkin' 'bout. The rush, the feelings, premature happiness, sweet dizziness, euphoria, and everything similar to it...It's like, you finally feel alive.
The sad part is, the more you get attached, the fear of losing them rises. And you get crazy and paranoid whenever you think something's wrong, practically making them wanna leave you.
So, my friend, if you fear losing the one you love, start by not letting them forget that you don't want to lose them. 'Cause shouts and paranoia never tackled any problem. Athazagoraphobia, my friend. Fucking athazagoraphobia.

Refresh, Restart, Reboot.

I'm tired of not seeing any Sunshine sometimes, I'm tired of blurry images caused by this heavy rain. I'm tired of trying to fake a smile on the street just to cry myself to sleep whenever my bridges collapse...I'm just tired. Aren't you tired of this fucking pain sometimes? Aren't you tired of teary eyes and salty lips? I need Sunshine. I need warmth. I need the main reason why I'm happy not to be as well the main reason why I'm sad. I need...Fuck that. I'm just tired.

TCTWNE.

Wolves attack when they are hurt. Foxes growl when they are hurt. Dogs bite when they are hurt. Even people hurt when they are hurt. Some hurt to pay back. Some hurt to save themselves. And some...just for their own entertainment. But why do we tend to hurt each other so much and so often? And it doesn't matter how hard we try to keep up appearances, behind the smokescreen we get so lonely and so cold that we can't even think straight. But we wouldn't show that. We wouldn't friggin' show it. 'Cause we'd consider ourselves weak if we did. So we hurt. We hurt the ones we love, we hurt the ones we hate, and what's most important...we involuntarily hurt ourselves. And that sucks. 'Cause you may feel nothing for a while, but one day you wake up with a fucked up feeling and you wonder why. Then the reason seems to slowly take shape, as the smile on your face turns into a flood of tears. But you won't show that. You won't show. And you keep hurting. We as humans are such hypocrites, we expect everything and give nothing in return, but we start complaining if we don't get it. And we shamelessly hurt but want to be treated with love and respect. How could this be? When did we become so selfish and careless? We say that we want to change the world, but in fact the world changes us; and we totally refuse to admit that. We still think we're unaffected. We still think that nothing can touch us. We still think we're know-it-alls.

This is the circle that will never end. The sinister rehearsal of our own fears. The pejorative reflection of our inner self, transposed into a thousand pieces. So mind your language in front of the ones who love you, 'cause if you get to hurt them several times, one day you might not get to hurt them at all. And you'll get back to loneliness and the circle will take its course again. The circle that will never end.

Transvers.

Teancul de pe birou pare sa devina din ce in ce mai mic, iar secundele mai au putin si strapung sticla fina a ceasului datorita pulsului meu nebunesc de rapid. Sunt deja pe drum. Nu imi amintesc cum, pentru ca nu am loc pentru altceva in minte decat pentru tine. Traficul infernal ma face sa imi fi dorit sa nu fi fost in costum acum, cu camasa incheiata pana la gat. Fierb. Caldura din stomac creste pe masura ce kilometrii scad. Stiu ca o sa ma astepti acasa, si o sa imi deschizi usa in lenjeria aceea noua semi-transparenta in care de-abia asteptam sa te vad, si ca luminile o sa fie difuze. Stai linistita, am luat vinul pentru ca stiu ca altfel nu se poate, si daca o sa ma intrebi ce sarbatorim o sa iti raspund "fiecare zi in care ma trezesc langa tine". E ciudat cum imi doresc nebuneste sa te sarut, iar tu sa imi musti buzele usor cum faci de obicei, schitand mai apoi zambetul ala subtil pe care il ador. Incerc sa nu ma mai gandesc la asta, pentru ca vreau sa ajung intreg acasa, dar este inevitabil, pentru ca m-ai acaparat cu totul, si eu pe tine. Stiu ca in timp ce eu injur in gand soferii nerespectuosi tu iti pudrezi cu grija fata, ca sa fii cea mai frumoasa pentru mine, si doar pentru mine, desi ti-am mai spus de nenumarate ori cat de frumoasa esti si fara pic de machiaj. Un lucru avem in comun acum, nerabdarea. Eu ma chinui sa imi fac loc printre masini in timp ce tu probabil verifici ceasul din minut in minut, tanjind dupa imbratisarea mea. Da, sunt barbat si nu mi-e rusine sa admit ca am o inima si ca profit de ea din plin. Cum nu mi-e rusine sa admit faptul ca noptile interminabile in care te strang la piept si diminetile in care ma trezesc inaintea ta doar ca sa te privesc cum dormi sunt cel mai frumos lucru care mi s-a putut intampla vreodata. TU, esti cel mai frumos lucru care mi s-a intamplat vreodata. Si as spune-o oricui oricand, fara sa imi pese catusi de putin de consecinte. Stiu ca sunt o raritate, probabil de asta ma iubesti atat de mult, probabil de asta fericirea noastra este intacta si inimaginabil de constanta, probabil de asta...ce am scris mai sus e doar o perspectiva. Dar daca as fi cu adevarat barbatul pe care l-am descris anterior, si as gasi o femeie ca mine, randurile de mai sus mi-ar reprezenta Biblia. Si n-as incalca nici macar un paragraf.

Asdfghjkl.

Am o nevoie dementa sa scriu in seara asta. Nu stiu ce, nu stiu despre ce sau in legatura cu ce pentru ca mi se-nvart rotitele-n cap la viteza maxima. Dar trebuie sa scriu, scrisul ma elibereaza indiferent de continut, ca oricum nu stiu cine citeste asta si nu imi pasa cine. Dar stiu ca asta e alter ego-ul meu si ca atare imi striga sa scriu. Scriu. Aberatii, tampenii, nu imi pasa ce, atata timp cat la final mi se relaxeaza muschii si mintea. Ih. Asdfghjkl. Gata. Acum ma simt mai bine. Don't try to understand it, you won't. As long as you don't feel the same.

XO.